a whole lot of nothing (april 28 – may 5)

As the title implies: this week was a whole lot of nothing. The only accomplishments were tidying up my portfolio site, as per the suggestions in class, uploading the final video to Vimeo, and (finally) finishing up my tea culture page.

I’ve been stuck in a bit (read: a lot) of a rut with my work now. It’s been a lot of justifying to myself that what I’ve made is okay, that it’s really good for a matter of months with no real income and doing everything by hand. But it’s hard, knowing that it really isn’t that good, that there’s a cap on how good my cooking videos or photography can be with my own two hands, a digital camera I’ve had for at least 6 years now, and a camcorder. They say you’re your own worst critic, and I’m just tearing myself to pieces over this.

All I have left to do is make whatever edits based on suggestions from the other faculty, get going on how I’m going to even present this entire thing, and write the paper about this mess of an adventure. So really, I’m in a good spot – but because my mental health has been so poor this entire term but the past few weeks especially, I just can’t help but think that things are not good enough. That I’m still going to end up failing, or that no one will like what I’ve done.

I think more than the technical skills, or the appreciation for people who do these kinds of things for a living, I’ve learned that I need a lot more confidence in myself and my abilities from hereon out. I can’t fix the fact that I’m giving myself such a hard time over these things right now – but at the same time, I really need to appreciate the things I can do, and do do well with the limitations I have. Easier said than done, but it’s a good thing to aspire to, right?

Goals for next week: get as many meetings in as I can, and figure out the presentation. (And also shake off this stress sickness.)

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